Monday, March 9, 2009

My Secret Life

Tucker texted me a quote Friday that he thought was quite funny:

"Blogging--never have so many said so much to so few."

I laughed, and then I thought about it.

This is part of the allure of blogging for me. I write my blog when I'm alone, usually early in the morning. I say things that I occasionally wouldn't say to others aloud. It is the secretive nature of blogging that appeals. That I get my opinions and views and life out there, but that, somehow, nobody really knows me. I crave the comments after every post, but that isn't the complete motivation. I'm coming to know myself better. Better than I wish I did, sometimes.

So here's a secret.

I'm a sugar addict.

I was blessed with a lightning-speed metabolism for most of my life, so there was really no physical evidence. I could eat (and did) whole boxes of Ho-ho's, dozens of cookies, and multiple candy bars at one sitting and never have the sugar affect me or sicken me. Sounds lucky. Not really. Along with that lightning-speed metabolism is a lightning-speed personality. I do everything fast--drive, talk, think. And I can outthink even myself when it comes to eating. And I would always do that sugar bingeing in private, where no one could know of my lack of self-control. Hide empty boxes in the trash. Secretly purchase replacement sugar supplies so my family would remain in the dark. Skip meals for an entire day to mentally erase the calories.

And I'm weak. So here's another secret.

I've completely fallen off the wagon.

I had a few slip-ups in February on my goal of no sugar, falls that I valiantly tried to disclose to the cyberworld, assuaging my conscience and lifting me back up onto the wagon. But vacation in Idaho threw me back far. It began innocently enough--on the ride through Yellowstone, there really was no healthy alternative to eat. So I thought it would be ok. But the secret me came out, and I indulged in candy bars and hot chocolate, lurking behind the others so no one would notice, not even Brad. Then, there was the chocolate cake incident. Enough said. And ever since, it's been impossible for me to regain the motivation and the control and the mindset.

Another secret.

I had lost 22 pounds since last July, and almost all of that can be attributed to my abstinence from sugar. It began as a surprise for Brad when he was in Africa, and the euphoric feeling of triumphing over the natural man lingered for months.

And in the last two weeks? Hmmm. I've gained back 4.5 of those pounds. In two weeks. And it feels awful. Where did my lightning-fast metabolism go? And the self-control I've been exercising for the past seven months? Somewhere along the road it deserted me.

The other New Year's Resolutions that I set have actually stayed with me fairly well. I'm progressing and changing.

But this. This is my Goliath. He's back.

President Hinckley:
"When temptation comes your way, name that boastful, deceitful giant 'Goliath!' and do with it as David did to the Philistine of Gath. I humbly pray that God will bless each of you."

Epiphany #50--The natural man is an enemy to resolution and waistline.

I'm back up on the driver's seat, and the stagecoach is leaving Goliath at the station.


  1. You are one of the strongest people I know and you can do ANYTHING you set your mind on. Addictions never go away so the fight is always there. Think of the seven months and the success of abstaining that long. Next time may be shorter or longer, but they are still successes. I admire you.

  2. I have the same addiction. Loosing 70 pounds was only done by getting rid of sugar and otherwise eating healthy. I have since gained back 1 pounds and I feel terrible. My family does not know my sugar addiction to the extent it is. Last week in a 24 hour period one whole package of mint oreo cookies, MYSELF. Ouch, I know your struggle. Fight it and after 3 days without it becomes easier each day. I can give advice but I need to follow it tooo.

  3. Hi, I'm Paige, and I'm a sugar addict.

    Hi, Paige.

    I know how you feel.

  4. I think the quote is actually even a little better: "Never have so many said so much about so little to so few." Not that it's necessarily the right day to correct you, with all that soul-baring and whatnot, but anyways, I'm just sayin'.


  5. Hey, at least you aren't a drug addict or an alcoholic. There are worse things than sugar. . .
    Yesterday in our stake conference someone mentioned that many of us expect perfection of ourselves instead of seeking to become perfected in Christ. I am not one to lecture on this subject, just a thought. Keep fighting the good fight!

  6. I hear ya, Jen. I hear ya. I am just climbing back on the wagon myself, although my addiction leans more toward carbohydrates in general. I love 'em, and my body loves to store fat.

    More's the pity.

  7. I will never join you on THAT wagon but I will cheer you on as you pass by me!! I figure I have so much else to work on, I will let that one slide (I heart PEPSI).

    Tucker is thinks he is sooo funny!

    Micah would be a great wrestler!
    Love ya,

  8. Curse the beast, curse it all! I do so hate falling off a wagon, 'cause it's always so much more difficult to get back on. However, I'm sure that you will be successful once again, 'cause that's how you roll. And frankly, I'm so glad you shared your "hideous truth", to know that even you skinnies can eat THAT MUCH junk food. hahaha Good luck with the sugar.

  9. Epiphany #50 is right on!
    I really appreciate this post. Not that I am happy you have struggles, but I feel better knowing I'm not the only one.

    I will be thinking of you as you leave that stinkin' Goliath at the station and move ahead! :)
    It's obvious you are strong. I want to be more like you when I grow up!

  10. You know. You crave comments from other people... but I love the comments Brad leaves you. :) They are usually the best.

    PS I am a sugar addict. When I was pregnant with Isabella, I went without sugar for 1 week and lost 7 pounds. That ought to tell you just how much and how addicted to sugar I am.

    Today marks 9 months for me and I have had 2 twix bars.... I know shameful, but the alternative is to fall on the floor in my closet and since I am currently NOT home, that is not an option.

    LOVES and I sure wish I had your strength. I would set up a goal to give up sugar, but I would surely fail and right now... well I just don't need to fail... although I sure would be ok if I shed about 22 pounds.