Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Decade #2--Strong

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I've evolved over the last 42 years, and this week I'm going to delve into my life and what has created who I am.

A few years ago I posted about my sixth-grade teacher, Mr. Tickner--how he changed my view of myself and how it was okay to be a smart girl in the world. I needed him that year, because 1981 wasn't only the year Reagan got inaugurated and almost assassinated--it was the year that I became a target and discovered that kids are cruel.

Bullying has been in the news a lot lately, mostly because the painful consequences of suicide or fighting back have been so dramatic. But bullying is not new--it's as old as childhood and as prolific as dandelions in summer.

I was bullied.

Sixth grade is when the bullying began in earnest--while I was walking along the fence waiting for the school bus, two boys removed my lunch from my lunch box and replaced it with dog food. I discovered their exchange (and its implication about my looks) on the bus just moments later, as everyone around laughed. Sounds a bit like a Judy Blume book, doesn't it? I wish it had been. This was just the beginning.

From shoves in the hallway to bras strung up in the locker room, I somehow became a target of ridicule. I would try to find a place where I fit, where I was accepted, but I bounced from group to group, never lasting more than a few weeks with one circle of friends. I don't know if there have been any studies conducted that analyze and explain why some kids become bullies and some become targets, and I don't really care.

I didn't feel like I was that different from everyone else. I wasn't tall or short. I wasn't fat. I did wear homemade clothes, which hadn't even fazed me until I turned thirteen and I realized that Izod lacoste polo shirts, Levis 501s and Sperry topsiders were what you should be wearing. I was now titled "spazzy," and although that moniker didn't bother me, somewhere inside me I felt it should. My ninth grade class voted me "most obnoxious," and for some reason I wore it like a badge of honor instead of derision.

I had always been verbally assaulted (with a last name like Tucker it only took the kids the first week of first grade to figure out what Tucker rhymes with--I'd never heard that word, but I could tell by the way they used it, it was really bad), but it became worse. Someone wrote, "Have you told your parents you're pregnant yet?" in my eighth grade yearbook. I wish that was the worst one, but it's not.

The Monday after my dream date to my junior-year Sweetheart Ball, I went into the main girls' bathroom to find these words scrawled in red on the wall above the mirror: "Jenny Tucker lost her virginity on January 27, 1986." That one almost sent me home for the day.

No matter what they threw at me, I refused to let it affect me or what I thought of myself. I would not be Severus Snape snivelling in the corner, victim of the popular crowd, becoming more and more bitter as the days passed. I tried out for cheerleader twice in junior high, losing both times because cheerleading at my school was by majority vote of the student body. I ran for class officer twice, once in ninth grade and again as a senior, never winning. Even though it could bring more teasing, I worked in the school lunch room since my parents couldn't afford school lunch, thus avoiding the drama always associated with finding a table and people to sit with during the lunch hour.

Maybe the most humiliating day of my life--I wore a shirt to school that snapped up the front. Somehow the boys in the class were discussing bra sizes (this was high school. I know, ew), and Bruce, one of the boys on my street who had four years earlier replaced my lunch with dog food, said, "Hm, I wonder what size Jenny's bra is?" and with that, he grabbed both sides of my collar and with one quick pull, he unsnapped it from top to bottom. Where was the teacher? Where was justice? Neither was on my side that day.

Not one to be cowed, I still spoke up in class, still spoke my mind. I got great but not stellar grades because first was always more important to me than right. I found classes where I could shine--first choir, and when that didn't work the way I thought it would, I turned to debate and extemporaneous speaking. I traveled to tournaments and competitions, always staying busy but never really fitting in with these groups enough to be invited to their activities outside of school. I worked part-time and made money for life after high school. I knew there had to be one, right?

What always kept me grounded was my family. I had parents that attended as many of my games and competitions and recitals as they could. I knew that even though I somehow wasn't okay in society, I was a star in their eyes, and I  knew that. They loved me no matter what, and I relied on it.

When I graduated from high school, I was voted "most opinionated," and somehow it felt like my stance on the abuse had been validated. I had been who I was, never backing down for a second from what I believed to be true and or apologizing for who I knew I was inside. I left for BYU without a single roommate I knew, abandoning my childhood and hometown for a new life, one I hoped would accept me.

My first day at BYU was not what I had expected.

None of my five roommates had arrived yet and wouldn't for at least two days. I was alone. A place that I was familiar with. I had scheduled to attend an honor's student conference and I dressed and walked from my empty corner of campus to the Maeser building, home of the honors' program. Here I was greeted by a surprise--acceptance. Not once that year was I alone when I didn't want to be. I had roommates who took a hyper, loud freshman under their sophomore wings and loved me like one of them. I had a job that even though it required me to arise at 3:30  am Monday-Saturday, it paid my bills.

Most of all, I had freedom--freedom from scorn, freedom from ridicule, freedom from the misconceptions and stereotypes of others.

I was strong. And I wasn't going to let anyone hurt me again.

24 comments:

  1. Awww...Jenny... I relate so much to that post. I too was bullied mercilessly and also wondered why? I always knew if people would get to know me...they would like me. Going away to BYU was my fresh start with people who hadn't already placed me in a box.

    Although I came along a little later...I really enjoy telling my kids of my stories with you as my roomie and everyone else in our dorm that year.

    You were still "spazzy" then...I say that with affection. We had a lot of laughs together and I truly admire the person you have become. You are amazing.

    One of my favorite sayings... "Don't listen those who tell you it's not done that way, maybe it's not, but maybe you'll go out and do it anyway." You sure prove that to be true.

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  2. I am wanting to cry at reading this, because I feel like it is my life in print. How did you know exactly what I went through. I too am 42, so it sounds like we grew up in the same off brands when we should have been wearing izod and sperry. My first semester at BYU was a true lifesaver. I admit that I found ridicule even there eventually, but found enough acceptance to handle the bullies finally! You have inspired me to write more about this. I still hold a lot of that hurt from jr high and high school.
    PS that pic of you with the book looks just like Emma Watson...

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  3. This was painful to read because I admire you so much and hate to think of such a sad, hard time for you. But, I'm sure you have a depth and faith that are partly because of what you learned during this time.

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  4. Not all memories of childhood and adolescence are happy ones. No child should have to endure what you did in a place that is supposed to be a place of learning, nurturing and safety. It's easy to say that it all made you who you are, but I think you'd have been the wonderful mother and person that you are without the bullying!

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  5. This seems to be a theme I am reading out in bloggy land this week.. . .and something that I wish my kids didn't have to go through. Because I remember elementary school being like that. . .fortunately we moved before middle school and for some reason it didn't follow me. I just sort of tried to blend into the walls and not get noticed!

    I wish with all my heart that my kids won't experience this. . .

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  6. You are so strong Jenny...then and now. This was hard for me to read. You're such an amazing person...nobody deserves to be treated that way. I think you were adorable...you and your daughter look so much alike!

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  7. Wow. Thanks for sharing that story. I am sorry you had to go through that but so happy that you were able to use it to make yourself better. You didn't have a problem, they did.

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  8. Cannot believe you were treated so poorly, and I'm proud of you (even all these years later) for standing up the way you did and not letting them beat you down. Hurray for "most opinionated."

    I'm sure all of that played a role in forging the wonderful person, wife, and mother you are today.

    As for me, while I can't honestly say that I was overtly bullied (unless being called Einstein by the cute boys in my neighborhood qualifies), I was teased a lot early on in high school for being two years younger than the rest of my class. It was hard, but it affected me for the good in that I developed a wicked sense of humor and an acerbic tongue that soon shut them up. I was also lucky enough to find an independent and accepting group of friends who were willing to look past the fact that I was the same age as their little brothers/sisters. But high school was not entirely bliss for me, either. I always had to be on my toes, protecting my back.

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  9. reading this was tough for me - my own middle school years were very lonely, filled with endless misery of being left out by others my age - i was different (a very very small late bloomer, and the youngest in my whole grade to boot) and the other kids smelled my weakness and exploited it - 'spazzy' was a word i heard a lot, too, along with a host of other degrading nicknames about my size. it was a very difficult and lonely time. the difference is that you persevered and always believed in who you were - how strong of you!! how i wish i had been able to believe in myself more ... really loving this series, jen - i'm very inspired!

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  10. Jenny, thanks for sharing this post. I was teased & bullied through middle school & high school too. When people talk about having such wonderful memories from high school, I have a hard time relating.

    You came through strong! And, hopefully none of your children experience bullying like you did, but if they do you'll be able to walk them through it with grace.

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  11. I find it interesting that most of the commentors were also bullied - if there were/are so many of us bullied (smallest in the class for all of my schooling years, therefore easy pickings) Who were the bullies and why, oh why didn't we ban together and stuff them in the trash can??!
    I will forever remember being a cheerleader (wrestling, of course) and not having one friend on the squad, and having the Queen Bee of the squad call me bad names and cuss me out for being such a goody, goody and because I wouldn't quit and because she could never quite get under my skin (sadly, I didn't really notice she was trying to get me to quit until then.)

    Why are we so mean to each other?

    PS - I see so much of Heidi and some of Ben in those great pictures!

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  12. I remember the homepacked lunches for school. I LOVED them!! I always got chocolate cake on Mondays. Mom would always pack our lunches with such care that I knew she loved me and wanted me to have a healthy lunch. Thanks for jogging my memory.

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  13. Jen,
    I found my place in the drama club in high school. Thankfully, we were all weird together. I had a class of great girls but awful boys. Fifty in my graduating class. Went to school with them from Kindergarten on. Whenever I think about the hardships I endured when I was younger, I am somewhat glad for it, because I know I will be a better mom for it. I will get it when and if my kids go through some of the same things. And hopefully be able to help more effectively.
    This reminds me of a Taylor Swift song. I just can't think of the title. Something about still talking about the football game. Nobody's listening.
    A very interesting series.
    I feel like I am getting to really know you.
    Dana

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  14. Jen,
    I found my place in the drama club in high school. Thankfully, we were all weird together. I had a class of great girls but awful boys. Fifty in my graduating class. Went to school with them from Kindergarten on. Whenever I think about the hardships I endured when I was younger, I am somewhat glad for it, because I know I will be a better mom for it. I will get it when and if my kids go through some of the same things. And hopefully be able to help more effectively.
    This reminds me of a Taylor Swift song. I just can't think of the title. Something about still talking about the football game. Nobody's listening.
    A very interesting series.
    I feel like I am getting to really know you.
    Dana

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  15. I've been following you for over a year - love reading your blog. I think I knew what town you were from, but I don't think I knew your age. Imagine my surprise when I was reading your post and my high school friend is in a picture with you at the Sweetheart Ball. I just realized we went to high school together - although we were a year apart. I moved there in 10th grade and had a good experience. However, your post opened my eyes to what others were going through - and my self-centered teenage self didn't even know. I thought the world was just getting meaner, but your post reminds me that it has been happening all along. My girls have dealt with bullying and it breaks my heart. I don't believe it's a rite of passage - even though some stuff is inevitable. I'm going to keep making sure they are ok and checking in so that they know they are always a "star" in our eyes. Thank you for sharing.

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  16. It hurts my heart to remember some of these things you went through. Do you realize that I never knew some of the things you have written about the last two days? I do remember thinking that surely a GREAT best friend for you was just around the corner - I thought that for a long time, because who wouldn't want to be your friend? You had so much to offer. I will never stop hurting for that time in your life. I was so thankful when you finally found your way.

    LOVE

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  17. That seriously made me just want to cry. Cry at the inhumanity of people, the unfairness of it all. You ARE incredibly strong. WOW! To have come through all of that and just be stronger and more amazing. I hope all of those small minded people feel like total poop for what they put you and I'm sure others through. Unbelievable! Yay for college and new starts and finally...acceptance! LOVED the pics of you, you were quite adorable in all your 80's glory!

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  18. Wow your daughter Lily is the spittin image of you!!

    I have to admit it was hard for me to read that. Not only because you had it pretty tough (why are kids mean anyway?) but I have my own story to face someday - I feel like my life actually started when I married my husband, before that life was a crazy drama that was out of my control! Someday I will have to write about it.
    When I was reading yours it made alot of things flood back that I really don't love thinking about.

    I am glad you are a strong person and had much support at home to help you through those tough times in High School.

    And I tell you if you could go back to when that boy ripped your shirt open wouldn't you just kick him as hard as you could in the nuts if you could think about it first!!

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  19. My son is bullied just like this. I think I will have him read this. He is such a good kid (except for the teenage part.) ;)

    You turned a lot of things you were picked on into strengths. Glad you survived!

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  20. I think what amazed me most about reading this was how you dealt with the bullying - the strength of character you had as a teenager - that is remarkable because it is not easy being a teen & trying to fit in. I don't remember bullies in high school but I can empathize from a parent's point of view - my boys, especially, have had their share of bullying and, although it didn't help much to explain that the bullies were the ones with the problems, I think it helped to make them more compassionate & understanding toward others.

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  21. That made my heart hurt to read. I hate bullying. My oldest son was bullied a lot. Why? Who knows?? He was very strong like you - maybe that threatens other kids in some way. But he is raising his kids to be strong and I'm proud of them like I was always proud of him. And I'm proud to know you. I'm sure it was painful, but you've lived through it brilliantly. And you look so pretty and EXACTLY like Lily!

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  22. Thanks for the truthful trip down memory lane. I held my breath until you got to your memories of BYU. I remember those days fondly. You inspired me (like Robin) to write about those days.

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  23. I am leaving this followup comment on both of our blogs...

    No I did not grow up here. I actually grew up in Northern California, my husband is from this area not too far from Idaho Falls, so this is where we landed after BYU. I do not know if I am sorry for the rough time as an adolescent or not...maybe it made me stronger or maybe just sad and a little angry. I will figure it out though! Keep writing your story I am loving it!

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  24. I am so sad reading this, I knew it was bad-but had no idea it was this painful. I admire your strength, I pray with all my heart my own bullied children will weather their storms like you have. It kills me to hear the people here talk about how wonderful their youth are, if only they knew how cruel they are as well.

    Blinders are so much more comfortable than seeing clearly.

    I'm thankful to know you, you are a blessing.

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