Friday, October 31, 2014


 What? It's still 2014, and I'm still tied to this refine thing?

I've been setting year-long resolutions for six years now, and I would say that this year has been my least successful, least measurable, least life-changing resolution.

I struggled with the word choice itself from the very beginning, and I don't think it's ever really fit. It's all round and smooth and calm and . . . perfect . . .  and I'm the gangly, awkward, angular dodecagon trying to fit into its round hole.
I removed my necklace last night for a costume party, and the strangest thing happened. I didn't miss it, and I haven't found the pressing need to don it again. It's been around my neck every day for months, and its presence isn't even missed. Maybe I picked the wrong word this year. Maybe I just don't have what it takes to refine myself. Maybe I'm too overwhelmed or busy or prideful . . . or something equally abstract that I can't pinpoint.

If I were to be completely honest, I don't know exactly where I fit right now. Or where I'm headed. Sometimes, it's hard even hard to remember where I've been and who I used to be.

I don't like it. I hate feeling discomfited and out of place in my skin, but I can't seem to find what I'm searching for.

Like this iron bird on my windowsill, I often tuck my head and hide from what's really bothering me or from what I know I need to do. That's not like me.

Or is this the new me?

Already I'm looking forward to the new year, but I have little promise that I will find what I'm looking for in 2015.

It sounds a little heavier than it really is. I know there are real problems in the world and that mine pale. But they're still mine.

How's that for honest?

1 comment:

  1. Anything you water grows. Sounds like you're letting that word go. And that could be refining! Thanks for sharing your feelings, you're not alone!