Thursday, January 14, 2016


For the first part of my 2016 journey, read here.


That's how I've been. I didn't know it was possible to lose your self inside you. It's a strange and lonely and somewhat frightening sensation, waking up one day and seeing a face in the mirror that you recognize but not really knowing the person behind the tired brown eyes.

Another frightening realization is that in 13.5 years, I will be 60 years old. Not that 60 is the end of life or anything, but I only have 13.5 years left before our nest is empty and life will change forever. I don't want to wake up for the first time in a kidless house and have to accept the fact that I wasted 13.5 years of my life wishing things were different. I want to live these next years, and I want live them well.

The week I spent in Idaho was truly a gift to me--more than anything I did to help with the new baby. I found joy in cleaning, cooking, organizing, and doing. I saw glimpses of the old me and recalled the satisfaction I felt when I knew her--when I was her. Every afternoon while the kids and Heidi napped, I pulled out my scriptures and my notes, and I would think. What triggered this predicament I'm in?  Which behaviors do I need to eliminate and which do I need to bring back? How can I get back what I've lost--is it possible? Almost always the optimist and being an accomplisher for most of my life, I concluded that yes, it is possible.

And then this conversation came to my mind . . .

I wasn't lost. I had forgotten who I have always been. Forgotten what activities and attitudes bring me satisfaction and joy, and make me me.

That was the word. I knew it the moment Mufasa repeated it as he disappeared into the stars.


If I could remember, then I could return what was lost.

If I could remember, then I could get back to me.

The word fit so well, felt so right, that I knew I must have used it before--not that I'm opposed to repeating, but I had to have done this one before, right?

I had not.

That sealed it. My word for 2016 is remember. And that's when the gates opened. I knew the directions I need to take, the smaller goals I need to set, the notebook I need to start--everything became clear again, and the fog began to lift from my soul. It was physical and emotional and spiritual all at once. And it was exhilarating.

In order to remember me, I need to focus 1) upward on God, 2) outward on others, and 3) inward on myself. I broke these each down into a few smaller goals, and I choose three smaller goals (one per area) to work on each week. I plan to keep updating my progress here at the end of every month, like before.

I know this will not be easy. I know there will be setbacks and that I can't do it without God's help. But the winds are changing around me. I can feel it.

First thing I'm going to do is take away Rafiki's stick. I refuse to let my poor choices and hard circumstances beat me down and determine who I will be.

I'm coming back. Can you hear the drums?


  1. Once I was having a rough semester at BYU and President Monson came for devotional and talked about that scene in The Lion King. It struct me forcefully. "You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me...You are more than what you have become." I still think about that all the time now. And this is why when Greg asked me what show I wanted to see on Broadway for my birthday, it had to be The Lion King. I think if I lived my life by those words I would be a much more centered person. Good luck on your goal this year. I always admire how much thought you put into your yearly resolution.

  2. Yep, and I think I am going to follow this drumbeat of your throughout the new year. It speaks to me.


  3. Thank you for your enlightened perspective! My word for 2016: BLOOM.