Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Miss Me?

Have you missed me? Did you notice that I haven't posted in . . . 4 days? Did you care?
Life from the bed does get monotonous, so there's not a whole lot of excitement to post.
I am in the middle of the fifth Harry Potter, having finished the first four in 6 days. I'm losing a little steam on them though. But I won't let you down, Karen!
Mom and my sister Karen are coming tomorrow! Yay! For four days I will have live-in help that I can truly ask anything of (it's the live-in part that will be scrumptious!).

I have a kid conundrum. Parenting problem. Anger issue.

My handsome, brilliant, fantastic oldest son, bless his soul, has a flaw or two. He was born, like his mother, with little to no tact, and an inability to recognize when he is hurtful. After people get to know him, it's usually not much of an issue. People realize it's just Tuck, and they overlook most things he says.
Well, he's in the middle of getting seven 16-17 year-old guys to organize what they're doing for prom on Saturday. That's hard, even in a mom's world. But he has a wrench thrown into the mix, where a girl was asked late, and she's trying to find a group to fit into. Without incriminating anyone, she and Tucker were discussing some things, and he said something to her that accidentally hurt her feelings. Later Sunday evening, she sent me the contents of the text. It was plain to me to see how she'd been offended. So I brought the perpetrator in. I explained why what he'd said was offensive, and he, of course, had not seen in from that perspective. He texted her back with, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. Have all further communication for prom come through (her date)."
Yesterday afternoon, her mother called me, wondering if I was aware what had happened between the kids. And I told her that I was, and that Tucker had apologized. She retorted, "Well, as of 11 or 11:30 last night, he hadn't." So I told her I'd investigate. I requested his phone, and then I read all the messages. That's how I know exactly what was said. After receiving the above text, she replied with messages like, "You don't really mean it," etc., and the discussion deteriorated from there. But when I saw that he had actually followed my instructions and apologized, I thought it would end there.
How wrong I was.
Last night, Tucker received a text from another friend, saying how the girl was blowing the entire thing out of proportion and how he refused to apologize. Then, the kicker. The girl's mom called another mom and vented about how horrible he is. Now we've crossed into another whole realm of issues. I brought Tucker into my sanctuary and explained to him that I thought he should call the mom and apologize to her. WHY? Because it would teach him valuable skills of apologizing when he doesn't think he's wrong, and that her mom would know that he really had apologized to her daughter, and that he really was sorry. It took me 20 minutes to convince him to call her. Now, I readily admit that must have beeen one of the most difficult things for him to ever do. So I sat next to him, thinking, "She will realize he truly is sorry, and then this will all blow over."

How wrong I was again.
This mother didn't believe him, didn't listen to him, didn't even give him a chance to talk. In fact, she kept interrupting him and talking over him, as Tucker was calm and polite. I heard him say at least three times that he had apologized, and he would really appreciate if R. would just stop telling other people about it. It was absolutely awful. And it went on for at least 3-4 minutes.
Then, of course, as the mother bear, I couldn't stand it another minute. So I asked for the phone. This is a person that I know. Not a mom I've never met. I thought we could discuss this issue as reasonable adults. When I got on the phone, she wouldn't even let me talk. And I lost it. So angry at this woman. She immediately handed the phone to her husband, so finally I could have a rational talk with a rational adult. I asked if either of them had read the texts between the kids. No. I told him I had, and I readily admitted that Tucker is missing the tact gene, and that he can be offensive, even when he doesn't realize it. He added a few blows of Tucker's other faults, which I acknowledged. I know there are two sides to every story, and I fully expect them to take their daughter's side. To which he said there are actually three sides, his hers and somewhere in the middle is what really happened. See? He at least was reasonable.
Then, without pointing out any of their famlies' failings or faults, I just asked that this be dropped and that they both stop telling everyone. He was reasonable, and he said that he would investigate.
Wow. Did my lesson on apologizing backfire, or what? It was appalling to see an adult treat a teenager like that. Especially when he was admitting fault. We'll have to see what happens at school today, how many more people know, and if anyone else gets involved.

This is my question:
Should I have made him call the mom?

This is tucker. i'm overjoyed that y'alls learned from my ordeal. i; however, didn't. your comments seem to convey a message that i will have better relations with this girl in the future. you overlook one SUPER important fact. i never really wanna see this girl again. frankly, i'd rather she move to dobson (not that i'm bitter of course, i just want her to git her bootay offa my turf.) also i'm glad that someone thinks it didn't backfire, because it backfired like a......back...fire.........r.......... anyway... it backfired, and i pretty much am scarred for life from red headed peoples. also, i was asked about four times why in the heck i called dramatica (kinda like electra, but less intimidating sounding... its supposed to be this girl, i don't know what's up with "r" because dramatica is way cooler...) ugly, stupid, fat, slutty, and various other things. see how the truth is stretched??? also i'm not a horrible person, just a hasty, impulsive, but extremely attractive young man seeking a job, so if you know one...it would certainly help get my mom off my back.


  1. Yes, as a matter of fact. And I was beginning to worry about you, too.

    I'll definitely be looking forward to an update!

  2. I AM SEETHING RIGHT NOW! Its not even my deal. The tactless boy thing - most of them are. Learning to apologize for something he doesn't think he did wrong will only benifit him in marriage to come. The drama girl - the reason I am SOOOO glad I had boys. The parents - They are stupid. Just be glad that the chances of said girl and said son will never cause you to have said inlaws. As spencer so eloquently says - Drama sucks! Thats why I don't date.

  3. Cindy is funny. Some parents can be blinded by what their kids tell them. It was good that you saw all the text involved. Sounds like mom is as dramatic as the daughter. Good luck with that one. Keep us updated.

  4. Wow! Some people have way too much drama. This is the problem with texting and email instead of face to face conversations, isn't it? If he had been talking to her, she might not have misunderstood or gotten offended.

    Apologizing really was the right thing to do, even though it didn't turn out well. But it's a good lesson for him to learn. Sometimes we offend people without even realizing it, and we need to make it right.

    And, yes, I did notice you were gone.

  5. Yes, I noticed you were missing. Yes, I missed you terribly!!!

    Now, on to the other issue...
    First of all, ohhhhh my gosh, people can be so ridiculous. I wish I could say I can't believe this, but unfortunately I can believe every bit of it. I think you did exactly the right thing by having him call. And, I really don't think it backfired. Here's why: wonderful, although possibly aggravating lesson learned. No bad will ever come (in the long run) from extending a humble hand of apology. Even if the only good is that your boy can rest easy knowing he did the right thing, he did all he could. Now, it's on someone else. (In case you're wondering, which probably you aren't, I am dealing with an issue exactly like this one right now. I have apologized over and over to someone. The person simply does not want the situation to be better. This person prefers drama. So, I'm done now. I did all I could do. Movin' on.

    Ok, sorry for the terribly long comment. This just really hit home with me today! I say, well done you, and well done to your son!

  6. I have also missed you. I have checked sometimes 3 times a day to see if you had said anything, I was starting to get worried.

    Mothers can sometimes be overprotective as is the case with the girl. I hope Tucker can still go to prom and have a good time - he deserves it.

    Thanks for breaking your silence. :)

  7. Yes I did miss the posts, of course I just then call you to see whats up!

    Oh the angst of being a teenage girl..I think Tucker did a great job and am a little sad the mother let emotion keep her from being an influence for good. I know how it goes, we had a similar situation with Brenn but cooler heads prevailed and I think all the way around lessons were learned.

    See you when the antibotics kick in!

  8. Missed you so much I had to go and visit you in person. Don't be so silent, I enjoy your writing and thoughts too much.

    In other news:

    Ummm Wow! That's a beaut there! Can't believe Tuck didn't fill me in on any of these juicy details today. I'm sad that this woman could be so juvenile and ridiculous. Mostly it just puts her in a really bad light. You didn the right thing, and so did Tucker. Oh, and you should know, Tucker used a GREAT deal of tact today in talking to me. I'll have to tell you the story, not on here. But, you'd be proud. Finally, love Tuckers guest post, too funny!

  9. Oh the drama. I so hate drama. I wish women could just be reasonable. I think the real problem is that you assumed this woman would be rational, which was a perfectly logical assumption. Clearly that was not the case as it is with way too many women I know.

    And after reading Tucker's guest post how could she not just fall in love with him? He's hilarious and brilliant. And, by the way, I'm married to a man with little or no tact. While it's not ideal he's still pretty awesome too. Chalk that one up to you live and learn and some females are just crazy!

  10. I give tucker lots of credit for apologizing...especially calling the mom to apologize that takes some guts!!

    Sounds like she is crazy both mom and daughter...I went to two dances in high school partly because I can't STAND drama in high school....it's ridiculous and childish!! I love what Cindy said...it's soooo true!!

    Yes I am still banished!! I have to admit I am going a little crazy...read my mom's post to find out what happened at the dr!

  11. that was jacquie...I always do that on my mom's computer!

  12. One of my hardest life's lessons...Not everybody likes me. I don't know why...but it is a fact of life for just about everybody. It is a lesson I am passing on to my children. Focus on and put energy into those who do and let go of those who don't. I teach my kids to apologize. Occasionally, my daughter has had people who wouldn't accept an apology...it's "that girl thing" going on. When that happens, I teach her to have enough SELF RESPECT (for teenage girls...really?) to say "I have already apologized, if you don't accept my apology, there is nothing I can do about it." and then drop it. Sometimes a friend is lost...but if that friend won't accept an apology without telling the whole world the "drama"...(as well as trusted secrets from when the were "friends")...then she is better off without. Those who know and love Tucker will forgive his weaknesses...because they can see his strengths.

  13. When I saw this post the first time, it showed up as just a title and your original paragraph about "missing you." I never even read the part about the big dilemma!

    Anyway, having said that and read all the subsequent comments, I have little to add but this:

    Like mother, like daughter.

    Some people are just better kept at a distance.


  14. Ok, who could not love your boy? I am about to wet my pants I'm laughing that hard!! He is freaking hilarious.

    I have to say after reading what he wrote...anyone who doesn't like him must be lacking a sense of humor. I love his honesty (i never really wanna see this girl again)...there's really nothing wrong with considering some people as being nonexistent. Looks to me like you have yourself an extremely well-adjusted, functional kid!