Saturday, June 20, 2009

Halfway and Fully Invested

Today is a big day--the halfway point.
140 days down.
140 days to go.
When you lose a child to miscarriage or stillbirth, you never feel like you've reached a safe place, a place where "now I know everything will be fine."
Heidi was born at 31 weeks, and when I reached 32 with Tucker, I remember thinking, "now it will be fine."
Never again will I feel that way.
That's the reason I haven't divulged genders in the past. It would make me feel too attached, too real.
That's why I've never bought things beforehand or even washed tshirts and pjs until about a week before.
That's why we never have names picked out until the child is born.
But this time, I've felt differently about it. I've wanted that attachment, that reality. Will that make it harder if something goes horribly wrong? I can't know.
But this I do know--
We've been talking names. Of course, no one can agree.
There's a brand-new white dress and pink blanket and white sleeper, waiting in a basket until November. Come rain or shine.
And buying these new beautiful things for this new baby brought me out of ma-laze and into ma-worry and ma-happy.
It's a good place to be.


  1. Glad to hear you have been able to lose some of your well grounded fear and have the enjoyment that comes with being almost certain everything will go well. With all the prayers that are being said for you and our next darling grandchild, I know that all will go well.
    Love to you both (and everyone else in your household).

  2. Prayers are being said for you in my corner of the world, too.

    And I'm glad you're finding a way to create a hopeful little place for joy as you navigate this beautiful, careful journey.


  3. I'm so happy that you've bought some new things. I can't wait to meet this newest precious Denton. And I'm just saying, I have some REALLLLLLLLLLY cute, hardly used girly clothes that I'd be happy to borrow to you.

  4. So excited to see the next Denton... I think Karen is a great name and can think of someone else who would agree!!

  5. "Come rain or shine."

    Beautiful and so true. You made me cry with this. Thanks a lot woman!

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am so thankful you're finding hope and joy on this path. You are strong and brave.
    Love you.

  6. I for one, need to do those fun things to get me through the ick of pregnancy. Hooray for darling little dresses!

  7. Yeah! Feeling better is always good, but sometimes hard. You will love this daughter every day of your life, either way. I am so happy for you. Can you believe our wonderful singers leave in just a few days for Austria? I hear that T is doing a great job in the play. We are going Wed. to watch them all:)