Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Prepared to Fly


I'm glad to see that others on my blog list have dropped off markedly during the month of July. It has truly been crazy around here and everywhere else we've been. Paige's bruises, Allyson's upcoming move, Karen's unsuccessful attempts to buy a house, Jere's scripture challenge, Sue's beach adventures, and Natalie's completed move--I followed them all in spirit, just not with comments.
Now I'm back for good.
And it's taking some getting used to.

I left part of my heart in Rexburg on Saturday. Even now the tears come unbidden. The hurt resurfaces. How I wish I was eloquent and could completely express how bittersweet it is to lose your first child to "the world." If you can categorize the LDS bubble that is Rexburg as "the world," that is.
Watching Heidi's excitement and joy was the only thing that kept me in check, prevented me from snagging her back, returning her here, where she belongs. She was excited and nervous but completely ready to tackle this new chapter in her life. And I, the lone witness, desperately wanted to turn the pages back, just a few, so that she wouldn't leave. Couldn't leave. Didn't want to leave.
Her room is stripped of everything Heidi--no pictures, no quotes, no cell phone, no open scriptures and journal on her bed. And every time I pass, the void in my heart reacts and churns and breaks.
Did I do everything I could have? No. Everything she needed? No. Everything she deserved? Never.

How selfish I feel.
I was here every day of her life--from her emergency birth, through the NICU and kindergarten and gymnastics and cello lessons and Young Women's and dances--and yet, somehow, I feel like I missed it all. Missed the opportunity to enjoy my life with her as a daily part of it. How can that be? How could I have missed it? Now my concerns are split in two--between Mesa and Idaho. And I'll never have all my chicks under my wing ever again.

How lucky I am.
I've said many times that if a family is lucky enough to get a Heidi, they only get one. She is truly one of a kind--as compassionate and kind as she appears. Beautiful and hardworking. Loving and giving. But most of all, Heidi has a true appreciation and understanding of her role as a daughter of God. And whatever I did premortally to earn the right to have her in my family, it was well worth it.

How exhilarating it will be.
College was truly one of the greatest times in my life. I loved flying free: making my own decisions and mistakes. Becoming me. And I look forward with anticipation and excitement to every phone call, every text, every email--with her allowing me this vicarious experience. In just three days, she's already made new friends, dated RMs (NOT ready for that), attended classes and looked for a job. All without me there.

I guess that means I did something right.

That doesn't make it any easier. It will never be the same here again. And I mourn that loss.
Epiphany #82--I hate change.

16 comments:

  1. Now you have complete knowledge about how I felt when BYU took you from me. Heidi has been well prepared and will do wonderful, remarkable things just as her mother did. Enjoy this new chapter in your life.

    LOVE

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ohhh, we love Heidi! She is such an amazing young woman. I am so happy for her to start this fantastic chapter of life, and so sad for you to not have her under your wing anymore. A date with an RM, and only 3 days in Rexburg? That might be a record...or at least close! Glad you are back, I've missed you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mom,
    Every time a child goes through another change in their life, it helps them love and appreciate their own parents so much more.
    What you wrote was exactly what I was thinking. How could I have been so unfeeling and unaware? I was young, that's how.
    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. it will be mine too, soon enough. the trip to austria and now girls camp have shown me what i didn't want to know. life will go on without my girl in my home. oh darn. in the mean time, i am sure this is going to be one heck of a fun and busy year for our seniors!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You've really described this experience well, Jen. There's nothing quite like it. Having your first child "fly the nest" is the complete definition of bittersweet. And how I remember walking by (and into) the empty rooms and feeling so bereft.

    The good news is that I also remember all those calls (and now texts) that you mentioned. There is a lot of vicarious joy that comes out of "watching" their college experiences.

    You've clearly been a great mom, and now you get to see your work unfold.

    =)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't know how we'll manage when we get to that point. You seem to be handling it well.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh to go back and relive all of those college days!! I wonder if we ever get to STOP the changes? No, I didn't think so. I thought we were in trouble when they started Jr. High, wasn't that yesterday? I do look forward to what they will accomplish and who they will accomplish that with! At least it is easier to keep in touch now.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I could feel your sorrow, and dread the day I have to do the same. I'm like the father on "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"...everytime Sarah tries to grow up...I say "Why do you want to leave me???"...in a squeeky mournful voice. Then she rolls her eyes, pats me on the head, and continues to grow.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Reading that made me all sad and misty. It might be because I'm redonkulously tired and worn out, or it could be because I love heidi and you made me realize how much this is gonna hurt someday. I know that that is 16 years from now for me, but if the first 2 are any indication, then it'll be TOMORROW. That was a really sweet tribute to Heidi and a good insight to a mothers love. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
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