Monday, December 7, 2009

Secret Revealed

Finally, a working computer. With internet. With access to a few pictures. With a working wireless keyboard.

Why can't I get excited about it?

What goes up, must come down. And I feel the crest of the hill has passed by with a gully ahead.

Normally, a rainy day in sunny AZ is a cause for personal celebration. Especially at Christmastime. I will cocoon in for the day, turn on all the twinkly lights, and just stare out the windows.
Not today.

Normally, I love Christmas. I spend hours making lists, checking them multiple times, venturing out on Black Friday at 3:30 am, wrapping, sewing, hiding, planning, cooking, baking.
Not this year.

Normally, I'm pretty positive and don't dwell on problems or issues. Rarely do I lose sleep over . . . well, anything.
Not right now.

Normally, I don't cry much.
Not lately.

Normally, I try to be in control of most things in life--schedules, activities, meals, myself. I am a confessed control freak.
Not currently possible.

Don't get me wrong. My life is overwhelming me with good things right now. We're all relatively healthy (no more bronchitis, T's stitches were removed, no vomit-fevers-aches). We have such a beautiful new baby who brings me endless amounts of joy. Even this new turn is good.

But my life is heading down a road that I am completely unprepared to travel. I hadn't even thought about packing a bag for this trip yet. Sometimes, when you know a new adventure is looming, you get out your bag, evaluate what supplies you might need for the trip, plan, pray, get your bag packed, and then you're ready to embark. Like when you get a new calling. Or when you find out you're going to have a new baby.

This new road. Wow. I've seen it coming for a few weeks now. And I can't seem to navigate this very confidently or positively. And, no matter what I say or do, I have to take this trip. I know it will be a great adventure, one filled with joy and excitement. But throwing this excursion in my direction when I have kids on every level of development (1 in college, 1 in high school, 1 in junior high, 2 in elementary school, 1 toddler and 1 infant), an extremely busy husband, and I am currently in the throes of post-partum just seems cruel. Or unfair. Or at least very poorly timed.

This trip will forever change me--how I see myself and how I see my family. One friend said, "This really ages your family." Thanks. Why can such good things make you feel so . . . conflicted?

You see,

Heidi is getting married.

There, I said it. I've been keeping that secret for weeks now. Heidi wasn't quite ready for all to know yet. But now the news is out.

She and her love came to AZ this weekend for him to talk with her dad. That sounds ominous, doesn't it? And it . . . wasn't. He is wonderful. Truly. And I feel like I will come to love him dearly over the next, oh, eternity.

But I can't possibly be old enough to plan a daughter's wedding, can I?
I'm not old enough to wear a dowdy mother-of-the-bride dress, am I?
I'm not mature enough to be a (gasp) mother-in-law, really?
I'm definitely not thin enough to be photographed in a bridal party, right?

I guess so.

Now that's off my chest, I feel a little better. Not a lot, but a little.
Time to go sit on the patio and enjoy the rain.
And add a few drops of my own.

Any words of wisdom?


  1. No words of wisdom, but plenty of hugs to give, hands to help, shoulders to lean on, and ears to listen. I'm glad you had a good visit, and it will surely be easier now that you don't have to keep your lips sealed. Now if only we had pictures, I barely sneaked a peek yesterday!

  2. Wow! Egads! Zounds! That guy moves FAST.

    No wonder you're crying!! You didn't even have time to get used to her being in college and now she's hopped on the wedding train! What a wild ride you're on this year...! No kidding, Jen.

    Ah well. Life always throws these surprises around, and at least you guys do feel good about him. That's what's important, right?

    And once you get used to the idea, it will be pretty fun to plan the wedding with your daughter! But in the meantime, let yourself weep a bit. Or a lot. Hey, you're entitled.


  3. How to say what I've been feeling for the past month or so? I can ALWAYS describe how I'm feeling. When I write, it pours out of me.

    But not lately.

    I knew this post was coming. I've been waiting for it. And I've known.

    But I am still taken by surprise every time I read or hear or talk about...something of this nature. I am taken by surprise by how I feel. Happy? Yes. Ecstatically happy! Excited? Yes. Wonderfully excited.

    But other things too. And I know it's right. I know that. But although this is much different for you than it is for me, Jenny, know that you are not alone in tears. I, too, was not prepared. But because I love her, that does not eclipse my joy for her. It just leaves me with a feeling that I cannot explain.

    CAN'T WAIT to see you at Christmas. :)

  4. I can't imagine any mother being mentally prepared for her first to get married. Luckily, it becomes easier with subsequent children, especially when their choice is a good one. My only advice is what you will do anyway - look for the good and enjoy each part of this journey with this special daughter. I have found that there will always be tears, but happy ones as well as sad ones.

    Much love to MY first married....

  5. I'm sure that friend was just in awe at all the changes happening in your life and meant well. You have such a unique life experience right now. You get to enjoy many motherhood stages all at once. I agree with your mom---your challenge will be to enjoy the journey. Just know you have many people along on that journey with you...even the not so articulate ones. :)
    p.s. you have plenty of time to look fabulous in your dress for the wedding, and I know you will. If you need a partner/cheerleader in this endeavor, I'm there!
    --shoot, forgot how to not be anonymous, Janette

  6. The change is one that will change the dynamics of your family forever. That being said it will be one of the best changes your family will go through. In laws are a blessing and when you see the way he will love and care for your daughter it will put things all in perspective. I never felt old enough to be a mother in law either but could not of hand picked a better son in law. I never felt old enough to be a grandmother either but the blessing of being one was one I will cherish forever. We never know when or what the Lord has in store for us but we accept it, become blessed for it and move forward.

  7. Not the surprise I was expecting. WOW!

    When is the big event?

  8. I feel your pain - but - I am excited to have another one of my good friends join this large but exclusive club. And for the record...You'r older than I was when I had my first wedding. I wasn't even 40! they celebrate their third today. You are already thinner than I was at my first wedding - you'll photograph beautifully. who could ask for better motivation! And hey! I don't think, heavens I hope I wasn't, Oh I would die if people thought I was wearing a doudy mother of the groom dress. Youre so loved and will look back (when you can breath) and see how wonderfully strong you are and how much you grew. The Lord loves you alot or he wouldn't be stretching you so much so fast.

  9. Wow! What a surprise for you! I sometimes look at the things life throws us and just wonder. But in the end, the joy always outweighs the difficult times. I hope that this time of change will get easier and easier and the time of joy will come quickly for you.

  10. I was wondering if it was official yet. And you will be one of those beautiful mothers of the bride NOT wearing a dowdy dress and looking old. People will wonder if you are the big sister. :) Congratulations, really. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, especially with a little tiny baby and a grown up daughter and all of the kiddos in between vying for your time. You will be okay! I want to come stay in your guest house! When's the date?

  11. Spanx baby, just find a good pair of Spanx. I will help you pick out a knock out MOB dress (like you ever need any help in that department) and I will be grateful Heidi is doing THIS first.

    Love ya