Monday, February 21, 2011

Dear Evie,


I knew this was it.

I've said it before--at least half-a-dozen times in the last few weeks. But I knew that tonight, I meant it. Tonight was the last time I would ever nurse any of my babies. I thought it would be traumatic for me--a bawling mess with my tears wetting your cheeks. Instead, it was a tender, sweet moment that I hope never to forget.

I changed you into your soft fleece jammies, brushed your twelve teeth, then whisked you off to my room.

You knew what was up as soon as I headed toward our chair--that singular fuss/whine/cry that meant, "I know what's coming. Hurry, Mommy." I sat down, lifted my shirt, and nestled you to my breast. First the right, then the left, just like always. You gently began to nurse, wide-eyed and comfortable. This was a place you'd been every day of your life. A safe place. A happy place. Our place.

I watched you. Your big blue eyes. Your long dark eyelashes. Your wispy blond hair. And I remembered. I remembered one of the first times we were alone in this chair, my body nourishing yours. You were so small and smelled so sweet and needed me for everything. Now, you're so big and occasionally smell stinky and need me for less.

Tonight, you wanted to play the game we've played for months. It started with your tiny fingers stretching for my face, hoping to reach me. It slowly progressed to grasping my chin, then ended when your fingers could reach my mouth. At first I tried to redirect your little fingers to my cheek or hand. But you wanted to have your fingers kissed and playfully bitten. Of course I obliged. How could I resist?

After a few minutes, you latched off, captured my gaze and began babbling, looking into my eyes and heart, trying to communicate your baby thoughts. Were you thinking how much you'll miss this time with me? Of course not. You'll never remember what these moments meant to me--to us both--but I will.

We stayed close like that, exchanging small talk for a little while longer, but then you could hear your brothers wrestling in the other room. You extricated yourself from my final cuddle, lowered yourself to the floor, then turned and reached for my hand.

I slowly walked with you down the hall, forever leaving behind that infant that I swaddled and inhaled and cuddled and adored.

We stopped by the boys' room. Hyrum held your other hand and the three of us continued down the hall, a little train of happiness, sounding of laughter and smelling of toothpaste.

I found your pacy and your silky blanket, kissed your sweet face, tucked you into bed, and turned off the light.

Just remember this:

"As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Love,
Mom

24 comments:

  1. Awwwww, that was sweet and sad, and so SWEET! What a wonderful thing to have written, someday that will mean SO MUCH to her. Sorry she went and grew up on you.

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  2. Evie is growing up, but she will always need her Mama. I still need mine, but I just have to talk to her in a different way than I used to.

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  3. I held back the tears until the last line. I love that book and I sing that little verse to my babes every night. Why do they grow up so fast?
    Thank you for sharing that beautiful post.

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  4. Print that and put it in a few different places so that it never, ever gets lost.
    That was lovely - so generous of you to share it with us.

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  5. Awww, I almost made it through the post without bawling until I read that last line. Such a sweet, sweet moment and yet so very sad since it feels like it's the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Growing up is hard for kids but I think it's just as hard for us parents. At least you'll always have the memories of these moments. If not in your head, at least on your blog :)

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  6. So sweet. Another chapter...I love all the visuals here! You are such a great story teller..and Mom!

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  7. These are the moments that make motherhood so beautiful.

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  8. *silent tears* ... loved reading this, jen - beautifully said ...

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  9. It's hard to watch them grow. Thanks for being such a good example of a mother to me.

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  10. Okay, that one made me cry.

    And I'm not alone here, so it was kind of embarrassing.

    ;)

    PS. Really, really beautiful.

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  11. Okay, that one made me cry.

    And I'm not alone here, so it was kind of embarrassing.

    ;)

    PS. Really, really beautiful.

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  12. You're such a great Mom. Evie will love reading this someday. -

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  13. I remember that day, too. Thanks for reminding me.

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  14. NOOOOOO!!!!!! Evie I will NOT let you grow up!! :) You and Griffy must stay little. xoxo

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  15. Its so bittersweet to have them grow up and away. They need to go and yet you want them so badly to stay. (and truth be told, there are days when they want to stay too!) This was very tender. Evie will love to read it when she's older. And no, I'm not crying - but only because I'm at work.

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  16. That's the hardest part- when they're no longer babies. I'm glad that you recognized the moment while you were there.

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  17. ok sobbing like a baby here...yet again on ur posts...ugh...

    i just weaned lily this week...that didn't break my heart..i guess b/c 1. she's about to be 2 and a half and 2. i'm nursing my little dude friend.

    such a sweet sad moment when that comes to an end. i'll never forget when kate weaned herself at 18m...i remember her refusing me and my heart nearly broke.

    not sure if reid is our last or not...so for now i cherish each tender moment pretending it is the last

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  18. Oh my heck! I'm sitting here bawling like an idiot.

    That is so sweet and tender!
    So well expressed what we've all felt.

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  19. That post is a wonderful gift to your daughter. So tender and sweet are your thoughts and memories.

    And even though it has been many years since I had my last experience it brought it all back - the smell, the feelings, the love.

    Beautiful!

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  20. Such a sweet and tender moment. How nice of you to share it with us...and with Evie.

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  21. Jen, I must say. Your best post ever. I love the emotions you took me through. Some of them I didn't bat an eye at with Brennan, others that are fresh from wheening max 2 weeks ago. Thank you:)

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  22. Beautiful. It's been well over a year since I stopped nursing my baby and this brought back all of the reasons why I LOVED that time with my little girlies. Dang that they have to grow up all too fast!

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  23. So tender! I cherish my nursing times with baby.

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  24. This was so beautiful!! Yes,so good you recorded this

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