Monday, February 29, 2016

Let It Go

To review my 2016 goal to remember, click here. For January's post, click here.
January was hard. 

February started hard, but it got better for a bit.

And then it started down again, and I can't pinpoint exactly why. If I could, I might feel different than I do. Maybe next month I'll write about my goal book and all of the journaling I've been doing--yes, I think I will. But not today.

Today . . . 

. . . is uncomfortable.

I told Brad that I don't know what it's like to be in my own skin any more. I feel like I'm in this crucible where the temperature keeps going higher and higher, with the chemist wondering what will be my boiling point. My breaking point. The point where I've reached the end. 

I relentlessly ask myself the same questions every day:What is it like to be me? I know what it used to be like to be me, but what is that like today? What do I like? What do I do with my time? And the big question:

Who am I? Right now. Today. In this moment.

Because I don't think I know who's inside me right now.

I've been through loads of changes and trials and troubles over the last few months. My flaws glare back at me in the mirror, but I'm beginning to see them as obstacles that can be overcome instead of permanent blights to my character. That's a big step right there. 

I'm also tired. I'm tired of the fight that every day seems to bring. I'm tired of the exhaustion from allergies and change. I'm tired of waking each morning with a laundry list of self-improvements already crowding my mind. I'm tired of tears and worry and fear and everything that comes along with them. 

But I'm also thankful. Thankful for how I'm changing. Thankful for the things I'm remembering about myself. Thankful to be at a new place with new starts. 

It's hard to let go of things in the past that always seemed to work for me. That's the biggest battle I'm fighting--letting go in order to reach. At first, that made no sense to me, but my eyes are slowly opening to the possibilities.

I'm hanging in there, and each day seems a little lighter. 

It's going to be a long year, but when I look back on 2016, I know I will remember it as the year I found something amazing.



  1. I had a thought when I was reading this, and I apologize if it's out of line because that's not my intention, but I wonder if you're starting to go through menopause? What you're describing sounds familiar from what I've listened to other women describe when they've gone through "the change". Regardless, I love reading your blog 😊

    1. It's crossed my mind that part of it may be hormonal, but there have been some hard things going on in life, and my cycle is still pretty regular, so maybe the craziness of menopause will be even worse than this??

  2. I had some very similar feelings pre-menopause, and I wouldn't be surprised if hormones are involved. Having said that, I learned a lot from having to move through those hormonal feelings! Not always fun, but what are ya gonna do?